The Hidden Cost of Judging Everyone Else

Let me tell you about a man I used to know. We’ll call him Dave. Because that’s his name. Dave wasn’t a bad person. He wasn’t cruel in the obvious ways. He didn’t shout or hit or rage. He just had a very particular talent for judgement. He could walk into a room, scan the space in seconds, and land on the one person wearing Crocs. And from that moment on, it became his quiet internal sport to dismantle them piece by piece. At the local shops, he would take photos of strangers - and this is not an exaggeration - people he believed looked poor, drunk, or like they had “made bad life choices”. He said he was “capturing society”. But it wasn’t about society. It was about superiority. Because when you don’t understand yourself, judgement gives you the illusion of clarity. Judgement Feels Powerful Until It Makes You Lonely Dave didn’t know how to connect. So he controlled. He didn’t know how to feel compassion. So he criticised. Again and again. And slowly, something shifted. Even I began to feel like I was being watched. Measured. Quietly assessed for flaws. That’s the thing about judgement - it acts like a protective shell. It convinces you that you’re safe, smart, and above it all. But it also keeps everyone out. And eventually, no one wants to stay long enough to hear your opinion anyway. This is where judgement quietly costs you things you don’t realise you’re losing - warmth, closeness, the ability to be seen without armour. You don’t feel it straight away. You just notice people pulling back. And you tell yourself it’s because they “can’t handle the truth”. The Part No One Likes to Admit Here’s the uncomfortable truth. We all have a bit of Dave in us. We all make snap judgements. “I’d never do that.” “I’d never be like that.” “I can’t believe they let that happen.” Judgement is human. But when it becomes a personality, it takes a toll. Connection. Intimacy. Humility. The good stuff. Because judgement isn’t actually about other people. It’s about how unsafe it feels to sit with yourself. And when you don’t have the tools to understand your own thoughts, emotions, and reactions, your mind looks outward for relief. That’s when judgement turns into a habit. That’s when it starts shaping your relationships, not protecting them. Between knowing this and changing it, there’s a gap - and that gap is where most people get stuck. What Coaching Actually Changes This is where coaching steps in, not as a lecture, but as a mirror. Coaching helps you notice the internal voices that believe they’re keeping you safe - when in reality, they’re keeping you isolated. It softens the inner critic so you stop projecting it onto other people. It teaches you how to be honest without being harsh. And how to look inward before diagnosing the state of the world from the safety of your phone camera. This is the kind of work we do every day inside People Building. It’s not about becoming nicer. It’s about becoming more aware. And awareness changes everything - how you relate, how you speak, how you feel when you’re alone with your thoughts. This is why so many people are drawn to a coaching franchise like People Building. Not because it’s easy, but because it creates real change, from the inside out. And yes, that coaching franchise model exists so this work can reach more people who need it. If Dave Had Looked Inward If Dave had tried coaching, he might have realised something important. He wasn’t angry at the people in the photos. He was angry at how close he felt to becoming them. Judgement was his shield. But shields are heavy things to carry forever. And the moment you put them down, you don’t become weaker. You become human again. If you’re ready to understand your own inner “Dave” and shift the script, that work starts with awareness - not blame. by Gemma Bailey (with the help of Ai) https://www.peoplebuilding.co.uk/franchise And it starts by being brave enough to look inward.